I’m a little rusty on the blog writing, but I had a moment of inspiration that I hope is captured well… I sent these messages to my family on snapchat:
A question was posed to a group I am in earlier in the day, “How do you judge whether you are living an isolated life vs. taking time away from others to be with yourself?”
I did not respond to the question right away… I had to think about that one because I know that my life, outside of my immediate family, is somewhat isolated and I wasn’t sure why. With this question on my mind, I think that it hit me last night when I wrote the snaps above what I figured out about myself.
The part that stuck with me and prompted me to write this post is the part about the battle between who I used to be and who I want to be.
For those who have known me for more than 10 years, you know that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I get that none of us are truly the exact same person, simply due to the fact we are aging and just can’t do the same things we used to, HOWEVER I think there are some habits, some lifestyle choices or just overall world views that can dictate our lives in such a way that foundationally we are “stuck.”
To open up to you a little bit, here is what I have figured out about myself:
- have social anxiety that has increased as I have gotten older due to my choice to not rely on the “liquid courage” to break down social barriers
- Certain circumstances, I can shine and do fine. Other times, I am going to be a fly on the wall and just soak it all in
- More often than not, I rely on others to break the ice instead of extending a hand and introducing myself
- I am perfectly content with an invitation… just to be thought of and included
- I am perfectly ok with making up an excuse to not go and stay at home on my couch
- I have great ideas for fun things, but when push comes to shove, I end up not going, not doing or just postponing to another time
- I am a planner… I need to have control over my timeline
- I am an ambivert and borderline ominvert…
- Where I used to chose incorrectly because I wanted people to like me and to fit in, I now no longer care so much about it and tend to choose behaviors and actions that will maintain my integrity to self, my marriage and my friendships
That being said, and as shown in my snaps… there are still times where I struggle with those urges to go backwards to a life I used to know.
I also know who I belong to, who has my back and who is there for what is best for me in my life. I have friends who are willing to speak into my life on the good and the bad. To call out my blind spots and help me continue to move closer to who God wants me to be.
In the awesome words of the Michael W. Smith song of the same title as this blog post:
It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you.